The Darndest Things

For nearly two years now, I've been keeping running notes on my phone of funny and entertaining and profound stuff the kids say so I don't forget it. (Sadly there was a good six to nine month break in there somewhere). I've shared a few in the past on social media, but I'm long past due to put all of these golden quotes somewhere more permanent--and make room for new ones--so here's installment number one of Kids Say the Darndest Things!

Marie

"Mommy, you're the best cook ever in the world! ...except for Daddy, he's the best grilled cheese maker in the world."


The next night at dinner:
"Raise your hand if you like this meal!" [Adults half-heartedly raise hands].
"Now raise your hand if you don't like it!" [Three kid hands shoot into the air.]

Me: "Marie, does it look like I can help more than one person at once?!"
Marie: "No." [Sigh.] "I just wish you had lots more arms. All moms should have lots of arms, like an octopus."
Me: "Agreed."


Marie: "Mommy, who made God?"
Me: "No one. He was just always there, because He's in charge of the universe."
Marie: "So he was never born and never got to have a mom and dad?"
Me: "Nope, just Jesus."
Marie: "Oh. That's sad for God."


Leaving for church: 

Marie: "Why is everyone dressed in blue? Did we plan this or something?"

Peter: "I guess it just worked out that way."
Marie: "No, I know why! It's because we're a police crew today!"

"Erik, the princesses and princes at Disneyworld aren't real, they're just characters. Only the Tooth Fairy and Santa and the Easter Bunny are real."


"I'm so sad. There are so many things I want to be when I grow up but I can never be all of them...a policewoman, a mermaid, an artist, a superhero--except I couldn't be that last one for real--and a fire woman, and a veterinarian..."


Marie: "Mommy, do you know what I'd really like for the Christmas after I turn eight?"
Me: "What?"
Marie: "My own phone!"
[May the Good Lord help me].


[While I was attempting to be a good mom and teach the kids an alphabet game at dinner:]
Marie: "P my name is Pearl.
My husband's name is Pat.
We come from Pennsylvania
And we sell... [thinking...]
...PORNAMENTS! Hahahaha!
Get it? Like ornaments but with a P!"

[Peter/me in our heads: That does not mean what you think it means, daughter...]

Erik

While wearing a knight costume and staggering around with closed eyes:
"I'm the Blind knight who bumped into the tree branches and they stole my sightedness. And now the tree has my sightedness."

At Marie's kindergarten graduation, there was a slide show with music and pictures from throughout the year, followed by a picnic at a nearby playground, which the boys attended with me. As we prepared to leave the playground, Erik became upset. When asked what was wrong, he stared longingly at the slide and said "I kept waiting, but the slide show never happened!"


As brother was struggling to write his name:
"No Ethan, an E has four lines in it!"


"Do you know what Hershey kisses look like upside down? CHOCOLATE TORNADOES!"


Ethan: "Good morning, Erik."
Erik: "I'm not Erik, I'm a brave knight. That's why I came out of my fairy tale, because I heard someone say 'tiger!'"

Erik: "What does one plus zero plus zero equal?"
Marie: "One."
Erik: "Nuh-uh! It equals one hundred!"
Peter: "That's not really how it works..."

Erik: "I want a statue like Anna had to put my clothes on at night."
Me: "It's called a mannequin."
Erik: "A man ken?! Hahaha!"


Peter: "Erik, come here NOW!"
Erik: [pitter patter pitter patter].
Peter: "I told you next time you tied up something you're not supposed to, you'd be in big trouble...and here you've tied your brother and your sister together?!?!"


Erik, attempting to say something while everyone else in the car was talking:
"Hey.
Hey![Getting frustrated].
Hey guys!!! [Deep breath as siblings continue to ignore him.]
OKAY BOYS AND GIRLS! Listen UP!!!"


After baking a cake with Gran:
"I've decided when I'm a grownup I want to own a bakery with Gran, and every night we will make desserts to eat. And the people who don't like to bake their own desserts will drive through the little window and buy our desserts."
(Mark his words, world. Drive-through bakeries patented by Erik, coming to a corner near you in 2030. I call first dibs!).


Erik: "Mommy, what color was it when space wasn't there? Like, before God made it?"
Me: "Hmm, I don't really know."
[A week later...].
Erik: "Mommy, I think I know what color it was before space."
Me: "Oh you're still thinking about that, huh? What did you decide?"
Erik: "I think it was invisible!!"

Upon losing his first tooth: 

"Mommy, is the Tooth Fairy real?"

"Well, what do you think?"

"I think it's the parents that do it like Marie said her friends told her."

"Well I guess you can see what happens tonight when we're all sleeping and decide for yourself."

[Running wildly into my room the next morning...]

"Mommy, look! I got a dollar! The Tooth Fairy IS real!!!" 

Ethan

Mommy, my pointer hurts!

Groggily, upon waking up from a nap: "That bear is not in its bear cave. It can't bite us."


Randomly sidling up to Marie during playtime: "Watcha doin' little lady?"


"Look at me, I'm a strong man!" [...while hopelessly twisting the child-locked gummy vitamin lid the wrong direction.]


Ethan: "Mommy what's this?" [Points to a freckle on his arm].

Me: "A freckle. It's just part of your skin."
Ethan, wailing: "I don't want it on me!!!" [Cue 20 min tantrum while holding his arm up in the air because he can't get the freckle off].


Ethan: "Mommy, I want two hot dogs for lunch!"
Me: "Okay." [Make hot dogs and give them to him].
Ethan, wailing: "But where's my hot dog bunnnnnn?!?!" (He'd had a hot dog bun once a few weeks prior, but usually ate them without).
"We don't have any. Sorry." [Cue 37 minutes straight of "where's my hot dog bun?" alternated with "I waaant one!" while I ignore him. Does not touch hot dogs. Eventually suckers Marie into making him a PB&J].


Following a trip to Coldstone: "Daddy, thank you for getting me ice cream at Yellowstone!"


Very seriously: "Mommy. That is a fantastic spiderweb."


A few hours after giving him medicine for a fever: 

Me: "I'm glad you're feeling better now."
Ethan: "Yeah."
Me: "When said you felt tired earlier, did your body have any ouchies?"
Ethan: "Um...well the clock was bothering me."
Me: "Okay, and how about on your body or in your body?"
Ethan: "No, it was bothering me from da wall."


Me: "Ethan, put your crocs on and get in the car." 

Melting down: "NOOOO! I want my feet to go naked!!!!"


Running upstairs, crying: "Erik said I'm a piece of ham!!!"


To Marie, randomly: "Don't you dare eat my pocket!"

Crying: "The fort bonked me on the head!"


While swinging on a squeaky swing at the playground:
"Mommy, the swing is talking in Spanish."


On dizziness: 

"Why is everything spinning around?" [Falls.] Oh, it's because I'm still spinning!


Tossing a book to the floor while sitting on a chair in the waiting room...

Ethan:  [Heafty sigh] "Mommy, I'm having a hard time." 

Me:     "I'm sorry to hear that buddy. What are you having a hard time with?" 

Ethan: "This day."


Ethan, looking at Marie pensively:
"You're my sister!"


"Chili-yo means 'triceratops' in French!"


After I had filled the car up one day:
Ethan: "Mommy, can I help you get gas sometime?!"
Me: "Hmm, I think when you're seven or eight that would be a good job for you."
Ethan: "Okay, I'll do dat when I'm seven!!! ...But Mommy?"
Me: "Yes?"
Ethan: "What will I look like when I'm seven?"
Me: [Making unintelligible noises while choking back mom tears.]
Ethan: "Will I be this same color but my number will be different?"
Me: "Yes, buddy...and I bet I'll love you even more than I do right now."