More Endometriosis Fun

Post-Surgery Update

My doc said it went really well, and there was "lots of endometriosis" on the ovary that they removed as well as some other sites that were lasered. She said she also took lots of pictures to document. I was awake enough when she came in to recovery to be relieved and validated when she told me that she found what I knew I felt. It's a miracle I remembered what she said because I was sooo tired when I woke up in recovery due to not sleeping much the night before (and having to leave the house at 5am). After my eyes fell back shut a few dozen times, it was music to my ears when the the nurse taking care of me said to another nurse, "how many kids does she have? Three? Let her sleep." Straight.up.saint, she was.

I was also more nauseous from the anesthesia than I expected to be, so the nurse gave me some Phenergan which knocked me out for another two hours. It was great. Then I was met by Peter and Ethan who was busy playing on his tablet (in order to ensure that the hospital stayed standing during the 3 hours they were waiting for me) before going home and sleeping for another 4 hours or so. I'm feeling surprisingly good physically, save for the usual soreness and some real nice side-stitches under my ribs from the CO2 they inflated me with.

Physical recovery should be about two weeks and 4-6 weeks total recovery with my body adjusting to its new normal. I'll be waiting (im)patiently to hear more details from my doc and ask more questions at my post-op, but for now I am feeling very hopeful that what she saw and removed might've taken care of some, or even a lot, of my overall pain. And now it is time for more sleep...any thanks again to all who helped with your love and prayers--I felt absolutely surrounded by your support!

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Original Post

I really haven't talked about my endometriosis here in awhile, mostly I guess because there's been nothing much to say except... it hurts. And I complain enough already about other stuff, so nobody needs more Debbie Downer.

But since my last surgery three years ago, which frustratingly didn't go the way I'd hoped, my body has unfortunately gone steadily downhill. Even though I'm trying to continue living my life at my normal pace, I've started having more bad days than good as my pain and digestive issues increase and my body quits on me more and more in the midst of the activities I love.

So, long story short, tomorrow I'm having another surgery--my third so far because of this little condition.

Shortly after the last surgery, I started seeing a different doctor at an amazing new center (if you're in the Denver area, I can't recommend Bella Natural Women's Care enough -- I have never in my life received such attentive and personalized medical care.) Ultimately, I discerned with the medical team that another surgery was the best route for me to go right now.

I know some of you are here as dear friends, some are womenfolk who are fellow women's health junkies, and others are here because you are also suffering from some mean endo or similar issues; if we're tight and you want the gritty details of the inner workings (and malfunctions) of my body and cycles, continue on. I share such personal details not because I relish airing them to the world, but in the event that they may help someone else the way other women who have shared in the past have helped me. I know how desperately I have scoured the internet for information at times. Otherwise, you may want to stop here to avoid the general awkwardness that accompanies said topics -- but I'd love your prayers as I offer my own that this will ultimately be my path that leads to healing!

Onto the details...

NFP Awareness Week: Naturally Healthy

As part of Natural Family Planning (NFP) Awareness week, I thought I'd pass along some info and a few resources about NFP and Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). What do those terms mean, exactly? They mean knowing the exact what, when, and why of your body's reproductive functions as a woman. What is happening, when it's happening, and why it's happening. Then, simpy using those things to your advantage. Like to avoid pregnancy. Or to achieve it. Or identify an issue. Or realize you're actually totally normal, even if 28 days isn't your norm. (Because in reality, every woman is unique, and 28 days is just an arbitrary average applied to the clueless masses).

Yes, it's an extremely personal topic, but it's also a hugely important one. I'm increasingly shocked at how little I knew about so many vital aspects of my health growing up. The more I've learned, the more indignant I've become that my basic health education failed me (and my peers) in fertility awareness, which really should be common knowledge when it comes to reproductive health.

And the more I talk to other women, the more I find that they, too, crave knowledge about what the heck is happening to their bodies; they want freedom from side effects, would love answers, long for treatments that aren't a one-size-fits-all band-aid, and wish they could call more of the shots instead of being at their doctors' disposal. Many truly believe (like I did) that the pill (or another form of hormonal birth control) is their only option out there for any number of issues. I'm so happy I learned that it wasn't, and that I discovered NFP when I did. Since then, I've had tons of friends--both single and married--ask me for info, advice, and help because they are drowning in frustration trying to fight the losing battle of uninformed reproductive health.

So, in case you're one of those women (or know one of those women), here are the basics and some resources.


What exactly do the terms NFP and FAM mean again? 
They mean observing natural biological fertility signs and signals to understand a woman's cycle.
With this information, a woman can:
-Predict the beginning and end of her cycle with incredible accuracy.
-Pinpoint fertile and infertile times.
-Use her understanding of fertile phases to avoid or achieve pregnancy.
-Observe non-standard cycle characteristics to identify issues (such as PCOS, endometriosis, or hormonal imbalances, among others).
-Have the advantage of treating any identified problems at specific times during the cycle with natural supplements to reduce pain or help overcome issues (as opposed to blanket hormonal treatments which do not take women's individual natural hormone production levels into account).
-In some cases, if an issue has been identified through NFP, it can even help to prevent miscarriage, and can be quite effective in treating both male and female infertility (with the use of NaPRO technology).


So what are these 'natural biological fertility signs' that every woman has?
-Natural fluxuations in body temperature measured with a thermometer (by mouth!).
-Hormone level fluxuations in urine measured by test strips or a digital monitor.
-Changes in cervical fluid or cervical position.


Does it really work as an alternative to Hormonal Birth Control when it comes to family planning? (Like, seriously?)
Thankfully, we're not talking passé methods of counting days and guessing games, here (aka your grandmother's Rhythm Method). These days, we're talking a 99% effectiveness rate (with perfect use, as shown in this secular study). NFP and FAM guidelines are based on extensive research, personalized technology, and empowerment when it comes to understanding the science behind the concept. In other words, it's up-to-the-minute modern and--yes--it really works. It does take some time to learn properly, and it absolutely takes communication if you are in a relationship. But all sorts of women are jumping on the bandwagon these days--along with their spouses--because it works...and has benefits, too.
Some of those benefits:
-That absolute empowerment when it comes to understanding your body and taking control of your health. It's amazing how many times I've had more information or known more about women's natural health than some of the medical professionals treating me.
-Objective and easy-to-read measurements with digital displays.
-Online cycle tracking to record any combination of natural fertility signs and cycle symptoms.
-iPhone/smart phone apps for cycle tracking on the go.
-Access to forums with medical professionals who are dedicated to answering questions and evaluating your personal charts.
-The ability to know what's going to happen and when. No mid-month 'surprises.'
-The ability to identify when something's not right, what to do about it, and what not to do about it.
-No waiting games when it comes to trying to avoid or achieve pregnancy. Like the 30+ days that a woman is advised to wait for hormonal birth control to take effect in order to avoid pregnancy, or waiting upwards of 6 months for synthetic hormones to work their way out of the system before trying to achieve pregnancy (and still risking potential pregnancy issues like miscarriage). With NFP or FAM, it's literally a matter of changing your mind overnight.
-None of those awful, icky side effects. Ever. (I know you know what I mean. The anxiety, the mood swings, weight gain, blood clots...just ugh). You can be free of synthetic hormones...just like the organic, hormone-free grass-fed beef that we all love! (Well I love it, anyway).
-Saving money. NFP and FAM are seriously cheap compared to hormonal birth control. Seriously.


What's the difference between FAM and NFP? 
FAM incorporates the use of barrier methods, whereas NFP does not.


Can someone like me really use it? I don't think I'm smart/disciplined/organized/normal enough.
How bout I tell you I'm certainly no genius, I'm highly disorganized, I hate routines, I stink at keeping journals, and I'm lazy when it comes to learning new things...but I still think this is simple. And effective. Does that help?

Thankfully, NFP isn't reserved for rocket scientists, college graduates, religious nuts, or crunchy kids. You can be single, married, African-American, white, Latino, purple, chartreuse, Christian, Mormon, Atheist, Jewish, a Rock Worshipper, short, tall, big, small...am I starting to sound like Dr. Suess yet? Really, the only requirement is to be a woman. (Or to be married to one of the aforementioned types of women). It's that accessible.


An added bonus:
What originally started as a health initiative for me has delivered highly in additional benefits for our family. Especially when it comes to building a strong marriage and open, honest, trustworthy relationships in all things...not just some. You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be teaching my daughter fertility awareness in ten years (or less!) for all the reasons stated above. Presumably with even better cutting-edge technology than today's!

Now, for the resources (click the links below for the website):

Websites:
-Taking Charge of Your Fertility Forum and Website (FAM only).
-Marquette Method NFP Website (using Clearblue Monitor) (NFP).
-Creighton Model NFP Website (with NaPRO Technology) (NFP; also male/female infertility & sub-fertility treatment options).

Also be sure to check out iuseNFP for some great (and humorous) videos, memes, and explanations! There's even a quiz to determine which method might fit you best if you're interested

Apps:
-FAMNERD (FAM & NFP compatible)
-OVUView (FAM & NFP compatible)
-KINDARA (FAM & NFP compatible-currently only iPhone-friendly but Android app is in the works!)

Books:
-The secular "Bible" of FAM: Taking Charge of Your Fertility (the most helpful and comprehensive reference I personally have read).
-Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition
-And for any other religious nuts out there...

I'm more than happy to personally answer any questions or send more specific information -- if you'd like to get in touch with me directly click here. Or to read tons of other posts written for NFP Awareness week, visit Katie over at NFP and Me!

Surgery--UPDATED

Originally written on February 16th. Updated below on February 20th following the surgery.  

So I didn't really want to advertise on the Faccia Book, but many of you kind friends stop by here on a regular basis and want to stay updated, so I figured I should oblige you. And ask for your prayers, since I probably neglected to include some of you on my mass email (sorry!). Here's the deal: I'm getting endometriosis surgery early this coming week. I also realize that some of you have stopped by the blog because you're dealing with similar health issues, so if sharing about mine can help any of you, it's absolutely worth it to me.

Getting another surgery was a decision motivated largely by my discovering an amazing book last year--it details how often endometriosis treatment is mismanaged in our country, and how very few OB/GYNs are taught the correct techniques for eliminating endometriosis. I'd run in to a lot of the issues in that past 10+ years of trying to seek actual treatment (as opposed to mere management of my symptoms which is the approach most doctors take), but I didn't realize until reading this book that the issues I'd run into were so deep-seated and widespread. So if you or someone you know is dealing with endometriosis, please keep spreading the word. And read that book (you'll thank me later!).

Anyway, when we moved to Denver I searched for an OB/GYN who had been trained in identifying all types and manifestations of endometriosis, and who could perform the correct type of surgery to properly remove different types of sites. I was lucky enough to find a great surgeon over the summer, and I've been seeing her ever since.

All ready!!!

The surgery itself (a laparoscopy, or scope surgery) is diagnostic in nature--my surgeon will look for scar tissue and any endometriosis sites, which can be easily camouflaged against other organs and tissues, and remove anything she possibly can with a laser. If you're dealing with endometriosis, it's important to understand that not all laser surgery is created equal [very good explanation here]. The type of laser technique the surgeon uses is very important to ensure the endometriosis can be completely removed without leaving any endo behind (which can cause a resurgence of issues) and also to ensure that no surrounding tissue is damaged, which can create more scar tissue (and ultimately lead to more pain or infertility). So if you need surgery, be sure to do proper research ahead of time. And, I repeat, read the book! My surgeon will also be doing an HSG procedure to make sure everything is clear and functioning properly. If any endo damage is too extensive to remove through a laparscopy, I will have to schedule a future laparotomy (non-scope surgery with more major incisions) in order to take care of those specific areas.

If all goes as planned, the surgery will have the potential to help eliminate the severe pain I deal with regularly, and also help improve my fertility. I'm optimistic...I'm not exactly excited about the process, but definitely hopeful for a good outcome. I did find out during my pre-op that I get to "prep" for the surgery in a way I didn't expect, and honestly I'm far more anxious about that whole process than the surgery itself! So I'll be holed up in my tower for the third week in a row, hopefully with a good attitude because I tend to be a rather impatient sufferer. I'm back on the BRAT diet as of today...I'll be looking forward to getting some meat back on these bones of mine soon! It's shaping up to be a really good first week of Lent for me--if you have any prayer intentions, please send them my way so I have something more meaningful to focus on than myself! Overall, though, I'm feeling very positive...and lucky that we are in a position where this treatment is even a possibility for me when it is not for so many. God is good.

As always, prayers are welcome and positively appreciated!

---------------UPDATE---------------

Thank you SO very much to all of you for the prayers. I did just fine yesterday and am home now recovering well. Apparently Vicodin makes me really crave a good book, as evidenced by my sudden desire to start a new Pinterest board and blow up everyone's Pinterest feeds with a literary library when I couldn't sleep last night. Hopefully it was late enough that I didn't annoy anyone too much. But at least I have some good ideas for my next Kindle download! Today my throat's still pretty scratchy from the tube which makes it a little hard to talk, and they had to pump my insides full of CO2 for the surgery which means that my stomach is now making a symphony of moans, groans, growls and howls that could rival a pack of hungry wolves. But those things are perfectly normal and all things considered, I feel pretty darn good.

My incredible little helper and lifter of spirits!

As far as the outcome, I got both good news and frustrating news. The good news is that my surgeon thought everything looked great, my tubes are open showing no sign of fertility issues, and she only had to laser two small areas. The frustrating and confusing news is that the two areas she treated didn't even look like traditional endometriosis to her...and everything else looked great. Even the areas they found covered in scar tissue during my ectopic surgery two years ago (which I have pictures of and even looked at with my doctor during the pre-op last week). So, short of some sort of miraculous healing, I have no idea why my innards would look completely fine now...especially when my pain during the past two years has continued to be so localized and get so much more severe. And all of the pain, coupled with my history of pregnancy loss just baffles me. Many women who have had ectopic pregnancies say it's the worst pain they've every felt, even more intense than kidney stones. But it took me a few days to even consider going to the hospital because I thought my ectopic pain was just the pain I get all the time that is so bad. I still have days with pain like that. Most days it's mild, but it never completely goes away. I know that can't be normal. So it's just very confusing and disheartening to think that after all the research and hope I've put in to this surgery and this part of my treatment plan, my pain could suddenly be an enigma again and I might have to start back at square one. My doctor is supposed to call today and talk it over with me (since I was out of it yesterday and got all the above info through Peter) and hopefully when we go over everything at my post-op in a few weeks she will have some options for me. Anyway, I'm trying to trust in God's will, and hope that there's some sort of explanation that I haven't yet discovered, or that somehow those two small areas my doctor lasered were the cause behind all of the pain. But only time will tell. 

In the mean time, the mantra I'm repeating is a quote I heard recently that really stuck with me:

"Sometimes God redeems us from our struggles, but sometimes God redeems us through our struggles." --Mike Donehey

So if it turns out that redemptive suffering is the name of the game for me, I will try embrace it with grace...and continue to give thanks for the wonderful life I am blessed to lead, surrounded by the most amazing family and friends I could ask for.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: My doctor just called and I found out that the areas they lasered are in the same location where my worst pain has traditionally always been. And supposedly the amount they find in no way correlates to the intensity of the pain. She said women can have just one site with horrific pain, or be completely covered and have no pain. So we'll still have to wait a few weeks and see, but there's MUCH more hope now that what they did was indeed effective!

Sorry for being lazy and referring you all here, but it's the easiest way for me to keep everyone in the loop right now so I only have to type it once. Thank you again for all of your messages, for asking how everything went, and most of all your love and prayers. You are all such an incredible support and encouragement to me!

Essential Resources

Let me start out by saying that this post probably holds no interest for the vast majority of you, and your time would be better served reading about things other than my medical history and grievances. But if you have a friend struggling with endometriosis, please direct her to this post. It could save her a world of heartache.

(In short, tell her to read this book. Before her next doctor's appointment. It may be the best investment she can make, I wish I'd found it a long time ago).

Usually in moments of pain and desperation, I end up consulting Google to see if there are any links I haven't clicked yet that boast new pain relief techniques or treatments for my condition. I feel like I've tried everything...besides my staple of Advil, I've tried natural hormone supplementation and other supplements such as B vitamins, magnesium, and Omega 3s; I've tried cutting out gluten, soy, and processed foods from my diet,

Published!

I'm excited to share my first published magazine article! Thanks to all my dear family and friends for your encouragement throughout the process, and especially to my greatest inspiration when it comes to writing and life in general--my beautiful mother!

The following piece appears on pages 7-8 of the Fall 2011 Issue of Radiant Magazine:

FINDING TRUE HEALING

by Megan Hjelmstad

Radiant Magazine,
Fall 2011 Issue
(credit) 

“Well, honey, you’re the Captain of your own ship! Good luck!” It wasn’t the first time I’d heard something like this from an OB-GYN, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. I left the appointment with loads of pills but no explanation, and true to the Army way, it seemed I had only two options: control or failure. I walked back to my dorm, frustrated that I’d left with more questions than when I’d arrived, and wondered what to do next.

I’d had painful menstrual cycles since high school; at first I thought I had a low pain tolerance or bad luck. But the pain got consistently worse over the years and I had to take more medication to survive each cycle. As I neared high school graduation I knew something had to be done. I was scheduled to begin basic cadet training at West Point in a few weeks, and I knew I couldn’t let this hold me back. Yet each consecutive OB-GYN I visited only seemed interested in treating my symptoms with various forms of hormonal birth control and pain meds; none seemed the least bit concerned with finding the root cause of my problems. Thus the pain and confusion continued to plague me as I settled into my military life at college.

Luckily, as I got more involved with the Catholic student group on campus, I heard presentations on Natural Family Planning, or NFP—a process of either avoiding or achieving pregnancy using woman’s daily natural signs of fertility and infertility. It caught my interest since my fiancé and I had begun to plan for our marriage together. During these sessions I also learned about the abortifacient properties of hormonal birth control. This means it's still possible to conceive a child while on birth control, but the mother usually miscarries her child because the artificial birth control hormones don’t allow the baby to implant and grow. We didn’t want to intentionally do anything in our marriage that would cause us to lose a child if we could help it, so I began to look for an NFP instructor.

I found as I learned how to read my body’s natural signs that NFP was far more than just a way to track fertility for family planning. My body’s signs not only told me when I was fertile or infertile; they also revealed that my issues were not normal, and my condition even had a name: endometriosis. My instructor also provided many natural treatments to improve my condition.

"Finding True Healing" Article (credit) 

Although NFP has not “cured” my endometriosis, we’ve learned so much from it, especially to be open to God’s design for our family. It was tough to know that my supervisors weren't happy when I had two children within my first two years in the Army, but little did we know how quickly the doctors would warn us that my condition would probably prevent us from having more. Soon after this prognosis, we lost two children whom we desperately wanted when I suffered a miscarriage, followed by an ectopic pregnancy. But from this loss we’ve learned what a precious gift each soul is, and that we need to trust God’s timing for our children rather than worry what others will think.

Through NFP we’ve also gained a beautiful bond of trust in our marriage, natural relief for my condition, and the miracle child I now carry despite the doctors’ predictions! God never promises smooth sailing, but since we’ve surrendered control and allowed God to be the “Captain” of our ship, we have truly gained more than we can imagine.

Resources for Fertility Awareness and Natural Family Planning can also be found online at Radiant's Extra Features. 

Feel-Good Food

Pain is a fact of life. But when you’re stuck with some chronic pain condition or another, it’s hard to figure out how to strike a balance between being tough and still maintaining functionality. The good news? I think I've happened upon some relief for many of us medicine-hating pain sufferers (including those of us with endometriosis)!

Any gal with endo pain can attest to how quickly it renders you useless, and it’s important to have plenty of strategies on hand to be functional when it hits. As much as I hate (HATE) taking medication unless necessary, Advil quickly became my most reliable staple in the past decade or so (NSAIDs, or non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs seem to work best for those with endo pain).

But this pregnancy has put me in a quandary; Advil isn’t safe while pregnant, and my endo pain continues to worsen as our little guy continues to stretch out my insides (as he well should!). I couldn’t think of a better reason to deal with the pain, but I still want to keep myself as low-risk as possible while keeping our little man safe. What to do?

[Disclaimer: I've already consulted my OBs. Many claim that pregnancy ‘cures’ symptoms of endo—or at least puts the pain on hold—and think that the worst thing about endo and pregnancy is not getting pregnant in the first place. But for those of us with pain from some mean scar tissue who are still lucky enough to get pregnant, the docs’ claims couldn't be further from the truth. The pain is there, very real, and we want relief only second to protecting our baby.]

My
not-so-beloved
companion

Since my OB’s only suggestion was—once again—Tylenol with Codine or narcotics (because it’s super cool to both drug my baby AND be too loopy to work), I took to the proverbial streets to find out if there were any non-medicinal solutions for relief. Through some of my own research and enlisting the advice of moms who have ‘been there’, I discovered some great pain-relieving suggestions. Besides the ones we've all heard before (yoga, deep breathing, drinking more water, heat packs…heat isn’t good for the baby, by the way) I got recommendations such as wearing comfortable shoes (like combat boots?), and the real gem: incorporating natural anti-inflammatories into my diet. Makes complete sense, especially since people obviously found ways to deal with pain for thousands of years before Advil came on the scene. Why didn't I think of that one before?

So with great excitement, I loaded up last week on my friend’s suggestions—basically any fruit with dark red skin or pulp that acts as a natural anti-inflammatory. Plums, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, and praise the Good Lord for these puppies:

Mouth-watering dark red cherries!

Oh so delicious. And glorious that these things are all in season to right now!

I also came across this website that touts its own list of anti-inflammatory foods:
Top 10 Anti-Inflammatory Foods You've Got to Know

Best of all, my OB even endorsed these foods yesterday as a good alternative to meds for both me and the little guy. I don’t expect any cures, but after a week it seems that these fabulous foods are actually taking the edge off the pain, and doing no harm to my taste buds in the mean time. So if you’re sick of meds but still need a reprieve from some sort of pain or inflammation, check them out. Talk about sweet relief!

"Good" Grief--and other Blessings

“This is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to…” 

–Tenth Avenue North

There are times when the experiences that define us come to bear a significance we can no longer ignore. As the past many years of living with endometriosis begin to blur together, I have to acknowledge that it has defined who I am despite my desire for the opposite.  Over the last year, as my life has taken some sudden and unexpected turns, reality has cemented itself with certainty against my stubbornness to accept it. As I sat in the specialist’s office last year—hearing the words I least wanted to hear—I had no idea how quickly we would see the far reaching effects of my condition.

Reeling from the doctor's news that my body might no longer cooperate in sustaining life, I left my appointment bracing myself to choose a positive outlook, coupled with a healthy dose of denial. Her advice that trying to 'beat the clock' was our best option for more children seemed realistic enough. But a miscarriage soon after was a jolt to my carefully constructed reality. Though I briefly acknowledged my sadness—our loss—on occasion, I told myself that it was a good thing that I wasn’t too deeply affected and I was able to continue living my ‘normal’ life.  So I tried not to think too long about the baby we had lost and instead focused on the one who we might have one day. After all, since God’s plan is always for the best, and this was part of it, it meant that I just couldn’t see the bigger—and better—picture, right?

We talked about the future, about baby names, about rearranging the kids’ rooms, the stuff that kept us optimistic. I tried to ignore the worsening pain, knowing that I needed to focus on the hope of what God could do, not the doctor’s predictions. But three months later, driving to the ER and shaking like a leaf, I knew deep down that this wasn’t just another painful episode; something was wrong. It was an ectopic pregnancy this time, and the baby I now carried had no chance of survival. The pain of the first loss flooded me anew, and through the fuzziness of the morphine I tried to wrap my head around the fact that my body once again was rejecting this new baby, a baby we had hoped and prayed for.  Why?

After surgery I focused on my physical recovery, my brain telling my heart that dwelling on the past and getting all emotional wouldn’t help. I presented my cheery self at work, and seldom gave in to the tears at home. I was thankful that I hadn’t fallen into depression, but thought this meant I should spend as little time as possible thinking about the children who we’d lost lest I feel grief.

It’s taken some time, but I’ve slowly come to the realization that grieving doesn’t mean I have to walk around constantly defeated and gloomy. But it does mean that I should take the time to acknowledge the times I do feel the sadness and loss, and allow myself to experience the depth of my emotion and grief instead of running from it or attempting to minimize it. In this way I can honor the children I didn’t have the chance to hold, but still have the chance to love, just as I love my other children. I can also share the burden of this grief with my loving husband, recognizing how he as a father also grieves for his children. Not a day goes by when I do not think of them, especially with the daily reminder that my physical scars bring, but I now focus on the opportunity to thank God for the blessings of each child in the midst of the pain. So many questions remain unanswered, but I know that God in his perfect and unconditional love grieves so much more than me, and the grace he pours out to sustain us is more than we can imagine. My condition, the loss of our children—they are not punishments, nor do they mean that God doesn’t care; on the contrary, through this suffering God has given us an opportunity to draw closer to him and experience the unconditional love we need, the love that he literally gave his life for so that we might experience it.

Some have looked at our ‘perfect’ family and implied that our loss can be validated by the fact that we already have two beautiful children running around at home. They assume that our losses don't matter since we already ‘have our hands full', we 'already have a boy and a girl.' Indeed, they matter. Many see each additional child as a burden, but we understand that each life God has entrusted to our care is an additional blessing, created to love and be loved. Our two children at home have helped us understand the absolute—and eternal—worth of our children in heaven; the essence of who they were during their short lives, and who they are now in eternity. God very deliberately creates every precious soul, and they are on "loan" to us for an indeterminate amount of time, but we are thankful for each moment of all of our children’s lives, no matter how brief.

And all of our children, on earth and in heaven, also allow us to understand the sheer miracle of the new soul I now carry, visible evidence that God is still very much in the business of making miracles, no matter how dismal the world’s prediction!

I admit that the absolute joy of expecting another child is often overshadowed by my limited human understanding, the questions and worries of wondering if and when ‘it’—another death, more loss—may happen.  But when I silence my own imperfect rationale long enough to hear true Wisdom prevail, I see how each moment of this child’s life is a gift to be cherished, that each moment of the past 12 weeks as our newest child’s life has graced our own lives has been special. As all the screenings, precautionary ultrasounds, and doctor’s visits reveal our precious child growing bigger and stronger every day, our excitement grows exponentially. We cannot predict what the future holds; we can only hope and pray that we will be able to love and raise this child in the same way we have our first two. But in light of the past year that has redefined our family in so many ways, I now thank God for the blessing of each moment we have had—and will have—with every one of our children!

 Baby bean at 3.5 weeks old, snuggled up safely with a nice strong heartbeat!

   About 12 weeks along! We got this one good face shot above, but all the profile shots were blurry because Baby was too busy waving arms and legs around, dancing, and even sucking his/her thumb at one point!

12-week bump! (I hit 12 weeks today, 15 April, and our baby could not be doing better!)