Back to the Grind

So not ready to leave this sweet boy...

I go back to work Monday.

There’s only one word to describe it: ICKY.

I hate, just hate the thought of leaving my still-too-new baby all day for a job that just pales in comparison. I suppose I should be ‘used to’ it by now considering I’ve been through the back-to-work routine twice before. But instead of getting easier it seems to be getting harder. Each morning I’ll now be kissing three tiny faces goodbye, worrying about three little munchkins throughout the day, wishing I could be there each moment for all three kiddos as they hit each amazing milestone in their lives. I don’t want to give up nuzzling that tiny little newborn head for writing operations orders or trade story time with the big kids for reading Army regulations. I know daily life with a newborn and toddlers who have seemingly endless energy is extremely exhausting and chaotic, but I’m just not ready to tear myself away from my family, or feel that mother’s guilt as I drive away from them yet again. Six weeks of maternity leave may sound like a long time, but it’s not. At all. I promise. If we didn't have the most wonderful nanny in the world who I trust with my whole heart and soul watching our children, I might just go AWOL. (KIDDING, people, kidding).
But still.

The bright side, though (and thankfully there is a bright side) is that my guilt will be short-lived this time around. While I count down the days until I return to work with dread, I’m also counting down with glee the days until I’m out of the Army and finally able to do what I’ve wanted to since baby #1: take care of my kids full-time. Going back to work means I’m that much closer to leaving the workforce for good! (89 to be exact!) Since my six weeks of maternity leave seemed to fly by, I’m hoping the six weeks until I start the clearing process will go by just as quickly.

I know the grass is not always greener, and that I'll probably miss the atmosphere of a professional workplace on many levels once I’m surrounded by three small kids all day, every day. Each kid has very different needs and demands (and each has perfected their ability to hit a glass-shattering high note!). But I also know that however crazy full-time motherhood may be, no other work I could be doing in the professional workplace (military or otherwise) will ever be as meaningful or worthwhile to me as the time spent with my kids, and trading in the title of 'Captain' for 'Stay-at-Home-Mom' is the greatest promotion I could ever attain. 

Snuggle time!

So though my heart is hurting more, it’s also filled with more hope as the magic date on the calendar draws near. And until then, I know that I’ll be looking forward to seeing my three beautiful, amazing reasons to smile when I come home at the end of each day!